Ebb and Flow
“the fall comes and I go down with it. the emptiness starts to feel heavy. the confusion creates a fog.
my emotions flux within my own seasons and this one too will end.
I’m tired of doing the work. for fifteen years, I’ve tried to cure myself with the suggestions of others.
“it’s your diet.”
“have you tried meditation?”
“why don’t you exercise,
try yoga again.”
it’s barely a diet when you can’t eat.
meditation is too quiet and too loud at the same time.
exercise is hard when you feel crushed by your body weight.
there’s little understanding of how deep this goes but when my support group admits they don’t get it, I’m comforted.
it’s nice to know that they’ve tried, that they’ve thought about it and what I say.
it’s nice to know feeling misunderstood is partly true.
it’s nice to hear , “I wish I could relate but know I love you anyway.”
Image by Kellen McCoy
I started this with the expectation I’d dive in head first and go forever.
I started this with multiple notebooks with pages filled front to back.
I started this with notes and google docs preparing posts.
I started this when I was stable.
Life has changed in the month since I launched on a whim. Maybe that could have been a warning sign that the fog was going to roll in. Maybe I wasn’t fully prepared to publish because I don’t have my ADHD or energy level under control which makes accomplishing things tricky. Maybe I pushed it out of my mind to avoid the fear of failure.
Forgetful and Fearful
“Fear’s a powerful thing,
it’ll turn your heart black you can trust,
it’ll take your god filled soul fill it with devils and dust”
More than once I would miss my Tuesday 1pm Copyright Law class. Remembering too late to show up would send me into a tizzy. For real, I paid for that - and it was a scheduled twice a week, a typical routine class and would FORGET TO GO JUST ON TUESDAYS.
It’s not the only time I’ve simply pushed something out of my mind without realizing it.
I take daily medications, okay I should say “I’m suppose to take my mediation daily” because the truth is, I suck at remembering to take it. It’s been about 15 years now that I’ve had a prescription for one thing or another to take every day. I simply forget sometimes. Yes, I forget to take it, forget where I left it and give up, forget how much I take in the first place. Yes, I set an alarmed reminder- two actually. One goes off at 9am and another at 10pm as back up. I do not dismiss the reminder either, I will leave it on my phones locked screen so I see it every time I check my phone. Somehow, I still manage to push it out of my mind and go through the day and to bed without it.
I’m aware maintaining a medication schedule is fundamental to my treatment. I’m aware I am better for longer stints when I comply.
Yet, somehow it slips through the cracks in my brain.
Yet, somehow the habit that should have developed over the years is just not sticking.
Yet, somehow I keep ignoring the alarms on my phone and the ones in my head.
I want to say I’m trying my best but I know I’ve been better.
It destroys me to know I failed myself once again.
