My Buddy
Conversation With My Father #1
I tell him “You need therapy”
He tells me
“Prayer is my therapy, and God my therapist.”
I ask, “is he covered by insurance?”
I get a side glance, it’s something.
I ask “Does he give feedback?”
He responds with a simple sigh.
(He hates when I do this)
He says “I see it in the signs”
“Like crop circles?” I say back for a laugh.
Another side glance, this time with his legendary smirk.
(That’s what I love to see.)
I ask “does it ever feel like faith isn’t enough?”
He says “My faith has guided me here, it led me to your mother, it gave me you.”
I nod, I understand.
“I’m jealous” I say “I want that” I demand.
“You used to.” - He points out how I was Moses for Halloween,
my prayer corner in 1st grade.
“It’s how you were raised” he tells me it’s still there.
I snicker, it’s long gone but I keep that to myself.
“I still pray for you.” he says.
“Thanks.” I say “I still think you need therapy.”
Written December 2nd, 2021
When I was little, my dad and I called each other “Buddy.” We still do from time to time but over the years so many new nicknames have developed, but he will always be my best buddy.
Recently, I asked a lot of him. He proved once again to be my buddy when he said yes.
I asked my father to sit in on a two hour intake session with a new therapist and psychiatrist to discuss my history and potential treatments. I’m sure the last thing he wanted was to sit with anyone and discuss what makes his youngest child, his once upon a time best buddy, so god damn sad.
When we sat through intake session he listened and was open.
Despite conversation #1-
Despite the fact that our methods of therapy don’t align -
He was there for me in the way I needed at the moment and he didn’t blink an eye.
After the sessions my mind was flooded with memories of “daddy/daughter dates.”
He’d take me to the movies a lot. I was 6 or 7 when he took me to see Pay it Forward.
I remember what theater we went to. (the Deerfield one)
I remember walking in and out holding his hand. (Sometimes we still hold hands)
He’d take me to Spring Training games. (It was the first time I saw a Red Sox Vs Yankee game.)
All this to say, the man’s intention has never changed. He sets out everyday to do what he can to make me (and others) happy. Whether it’s a joke or a hug or a cry, he is there for it.
Which leads us to Conversation With My Father #2…
Conversation With My Father #2
One day I took my father to a Broadway show, my favorite thing to do. After the show he texted me from the train:
“There are 3 things you should do each day.” he said.
“Laugh, cry and sit in thought..”
I’m always here good for a cry, I say back.
“Thank you for letting me do all 3 in 2 hours with you.” he texts.
And in one message he said so much to me.
What I heard was:
“I understand now..“
What I heard was:
“I get it.”
What I heard was:
“I love you.”
Texted October 12th, 2022
There are so many ways I could say thank you but he never expects one.
He doesn’t expect much.
He wants me to be kind to myself and to be happy.
And that breaks my heart.
Because it can be so hard.
