aug. 3rd ‘22

@ 3:20pm 

“The air is thick

My neck is hot as I walk 

Because it’s August and it’s hot 

Like the wind through city streets, I’m moving at a slow pace

The slow pace of summer

Because it’s August and that’s when the year lulls 

I’m stuck at a fork and I’m afraid to make a choice

Now my skin is crawling with sweat, this time not from heat 

Because it’s August and you realize how fast the year went by

When I walk into the shade and there’s a breeze I can see it 

The choices in front of me and the possibilities they hold 

Because It’s August and I can smell the coming fall” 

@ 4:00pm

Decisions, Growth and What If I Don’t Wanna Do This? 

Decisions are hard. Growth is hard. Once you realize you're in control, that anything is possible, isn’t it intimidating? I guess not for everyone. For me, realizing I have the capacity to do anything I want causes a flood of anxiety. 

What are the “right choices”? What is the future I want? What is this feeling stopping me from even trying?

I say I can’t help it but maybe I can, maybe it’s a skill I still need to learn. 

This morning I awoke with a heavy sadness on my chest. I cried my way through the first few hours, buckled up and set out for my hour drive to see my Nannie, my dad’s mom. I hadn’t gotten a message back from her earlier but I needed to leave the house and I was determined to try to see her. I called her when I was about ten minutes away and there was pain in her voice. There was sadness and distress. I cried again but I held my voice strong as I told her I would simply come another day. It’s not a great drive but it’s worth it to spend time with her while I can.

When I moved up in 2012 she was still spry and moving about. It’s not so groovy these days and I haven’t seen her out of her apartment in longer than I can remember. It didn’t change the smile on her face while we sat there and talked, it didn’t stop her from asking the hard questions at the most awkward times. On the phone though, I heard it in her voice. Those things I had finally changed. She will of course give a smile, the best she can. I know her mind is still sharp and that’s what makes things so hard on her. Knowing so much, being so resilient in your mind but your body unable to keep up. 

The weight I woke up with on my chest I imagine is similar. I feel I have the knowledge of the skills I need to work through. I have the sensible thoughts that these sad, angry and mean voices are intrusive doubts I can rationalize away. My body couldn’t handle that work though, it needed a good cry to let out the weight. 

My tears flood when they fall. There is an outpouring from my soul and there is an unexplainable release. 

August has always been a heavy month, no particular reason why. There are no anniversaires I have experienced to weigh on me. There is always the reflection on the past year when it comes to this point. There is also always the stubborn rebellion of “I don't wanna.” 

I don’t wanna have another satisfying job to get by. I don’t wanna take another multi month contract. I don’t wanna procrastinate anymore. 

And the, 

I don’t wanna get rejected. I don’t wanna have more reasons for these negative thoughts. I don’t wanna give up though. 

I need to remind myself of “the wants.” 

I want to perform, create and share in hopes of comforting. I want to try and try and try until something works out in my favor. I want to feel satisfied. I want to be happy when I wake up. I want so much. 

You can’t always get what you want and even the most simple want takes work to achieve. 

How do you evaluate what’s worth the effort? How do you establish what will truly be satisfying in the end?

What happens when you get a want? Does it grow into a bigger desire for more? I don’t want to be greedy. 

@ 8:52pm

Welp, we launched. That’s one decision done. Hope you stick around to enjoy this adventure with me.

City Street at 12:50am on 8/03/22