Heavy/loved
Heavy/8.13.14
I woke up and thought “ah shit, I woke up again.”
And with that darkness, a heaviness settled in my chest.
I was looking at my wrist with the sunflower tattoo.
It covers my scars (thank you, Justin) but I know they are there.
But I wasn’t thinking about that - I had a short and heavy thought - “What if?”
My eyes were locked at one target, precise like a sniper -
I had my eyes fixated where the veins were gathered.
I will rise from the underground.
it’s because of all the love/9.21.24
I heard from your your sister that you’ve turned to self-harm and I want to say, I understand you. There’s probably a multitude of feelings and I’m sorry this is the only way that seems to subside them right now. I’ve been there too. I’m sorry to say, the pain does not lead to happiness. I’m sorry to say, this is just the start of a big journey.
HOWEVER - I’m happy to say, you’ve got people in your corner. I’m happy to say, they’re ready to hold your hand through it. I’m happy to say, this won’t last forever.
Here is what I know for certain: I know It makes your sister worry, it makes her sad because I know that she understands there’s more to it than attention seeking, more than just being upset. I know she will hold your hand through the darkness, through the cloudiest of storms and when it clears - she will still be there, staring at the clear sky with you.
Here’s what I remember about my experience: I started around your age too. I remember, I thought I hid it so well. I still remember where I kept “the tool.”
I don’t remember the last one when I was young. I do remember relapsing in my 20’s. I remember how it didn’t have the same affect.
I remember the reasonings and I’ve learned to understand them:
I understand that the overwhelming feelings create clouds. I understand that when I didn’t know how to let them out - I would have tried anything to do so though. I understand that urge after the first time to keep doing it. I understand how the volume of those negative thoughts and the mean voice felt overpowering.
I have now learned to understand a few new things:
I understand that I was young and I didn’t have coping skills.
I understand it was the only way I thought I could release everything inside of me because I didn’t have the skills, the space, the words to express it.
I understand it worried those around me because of how much they love me.
Despite all the years that have passed since, despite all the love I was given then, despite the tattoo that covers them - I think back on that time, back to who that girl was and how she felt. Despite being better I cry for her.
I cry because I wish I had saved myself the pain, the scarring, the years of people asking questions.
I cry because sometimes, I feel just as sad as that girl did. And when I am crying, the tears are for the current me, the tears are because I know myself better, I have the skills and it means I’ll have to do the work to feel better. I cry because at that time I didn’t understand why they loved me so much when I was just so so sad. I cry because of all that love and support really made all the difference in my success.
Back then, all the love made me feel guilty for being so sad regardless of it. That love/guilt worked though, that gave me a reason to stick around and fight for myself.
Its because of the love I got better.
You are being worried about right now because:
You are irreplaceable and you are so very loved.
