DEFEATED

Crushed by the weight of my world.

written April 8th 2023

It’s that weight, the one deep in my chest, the one that I can’t put down so I carry it with every step. I’m defeated, the type where you haven’t lost yet so you continue fighting to no avail.

I know this is an uphill battle. I know I’m nowhere near the summit. I know there is a long, steep, and winding road in front of me.

I climb alone not because I have to but because I can and alone doesn’t necessarily mean loneliness.

I hear echoes of cheers, so loudly my bones tingle.

Some moments I’m so in my head, absorbed by self sabotaging thoughts, I fuck with my own battle plan. Some mental wounds are self inflicted out of habit. Some people would love to see me fall off the trail.

And yet, I see the road in front of me and I see no other option than to attempt progression.

There is no other road right now, there are no other options.

Even with tearful eyes, bloody knuckles and a defeated heart- I can’t stop now.

It feels almost spiteful to keep going - but it also feels like redefining integrity. The use of honesty to express and experiment with what “moral uprightness” means. While morals may not align, honesty can’t be fucked with. The truth is fact.

And right now, they think only I know the truth - they think no one believes me.

And right now, if I were them, I’d be scared because I’m still climbing, motherfucker.