Dead & Gone
Reflections on death,
grief & what may follow.
Last Wishes Can Come True.
“I want to go home.” she told my sister in the hospital.
“Like your house home or…” my sister points up to the sky and there was no verbal response.
Grandma passed away a few months later, in her own home.
“I don’t want to leave this house feet first” she tells me while we clean out her desk drawers.
“You don’t want to pass it down in the family, keep it around?” I ask as an honest attempt.
“I need to walk away from it on my own.” she says about her home of 35 years.
Nannie moved into a condo with her husband and passed away in her own time.
My matriarchs deserved their final wishes. As opposite as they were.
Grandma made her home as a single widow whose children had fled the nest. When she eventually met and married again - there was no peeling her from her sacred space. When she had her stroke and needed 24/7 care she did home health because again, there was no peeling her from the safe space she had created and nurtured for herself.
Nannie and Pop Pop had created a beach house full of family and love all year round. Countless summers on the shore and even many winter trips feeling the chilled ocean air. When Pop Pop passed, even if Nannie had wanted to leave, the family needed that sacred space. Not unlike Grandma, Nannie held onto the sacred space but for everyone else. Nannie would not peel away our safe space, another nurtured environment for family. Over time tragedy struck again and solace was found once again in the beach house walls. Over time the family grew and spread out far - creating more sacred spaces. Over time the family's grief began to hang from the corners like cobwebs out of reach.
My matriarchs were rare women, both struck with repeated heartbreak- losing husbands and children and holding up the family vines after each one.
They each had a final wish and it makes me wonder what will mine be?
To Grieve a Friendship.
There are other losses than death.
We lose people throughout our lives, sometimes not even noticing.
But when a friendship fails, when any relationship as you know it begins to end, our hearts start to mourn.
We are losing a sense of comfort, of support, of trust.
We are losing what once meant everything to us.
The memories of the loss stab you in the chest when they emerge from the corners of your life.
Things like finding the photo booth photos you once took in a book, passing by the spot you used to meet them, catching a glimpse of the matching tattoo you have on your back.
So you take the photo out of your favorite book and place it in the box with the rest you took off your walls. You start to walk a new route to avoid that spot. You stop looking over your shoulder when your backs to the mirror. You hide the triggers of that grief because the reality is too much to handle.
The fact that you are living without a part of you.
A part you once thought was crucial to survival.
The fact that that person is out there still, living a whole life without you too.
But just like in death, the memories of that person will live on in your mind and heart for the rest of your life.
You will remember the adventures, the mistakes, the troubles you once shared. You will never forget the way they’d laugh at your jokes harder than anyone else, and you’ll miss that sound. You will remember the comfort, the support, the trust between you two and know that while it may be gone with that person, it was once possible which means it can happen again too.
And when you find that new piece of you, it won’t fill in the spot the other left but it will make room for new love and memories. So that one day, when you find that box of photos as you finally move- it will be a happy glimpse of a past life.
And one from the vault….
February 10th, 2022
One day, I’ll be dead and gone.
On that day, I hope you throw your head back in laughter.
Remember the ways I made you smile.
It’ll make you sad, to think you’ll never hear my sass again.
You can cry because I’m gone, but just for one day please.
I want to know, at my funeral you’ll sing my favorite songs at the top of your lungs- so I can hear it across the universe.
I want to know you’ll share my stories- the good and the bad- with these family members to come.
I want to know I brought you joy.
I want to know I will be missed but I don’t want sadness, please.
I want to see happy tears and hear unstoppable laughter.
Let my life be a lesson, that darkness may linger but it does not hold endless control. Let my life show that despite endless darkness, light can be spread.
Keep me in your hearts and minds- keep me fondly in your memories.
Remember me- Laugh at all the funny memories.
Remember me- Be proud of my life, my battle, my victory
Because despite the darkness, I’ve lived a life full of love and that’s thanks to you.
