warning!

Well, this IS A BUMMER.

The following post was originally written back in May, I must have gotten a bit forgetful with posting in the midst of the tornado.

Hypo Manic and I Know It Baby.

I’m hypo manic - I’m hypo manic and I know it will end fine 

I’m hypo manic and I know I have a support network behind me to help with the fall 

I’m hypo manic and I know it baby.

 - written on May 17th 2024 at 4pm in my Notes app.

The physical symptoms started after a stressful but successful phone call.

The jaw tension and teeth grinding was so perceptible that a friend asked if I had drugs.

An out of state friend facetimed me to catch up.

I recapped the past month in under 3 minutes which he had not asked for at all.

I couldn’t stop moving, I was dancing my way around like there was music in the air.

Sure, despite the shaking - I felt really good.

Whatever, right!

Then it was 12:30 am & I started to make a lemon cake from scratch.

Not that lemon cake is bad, or 12:30am is that late….but when you add up the day, it changes the story.

It wasn’t just the jitters, it wasn’t just the quick speech, it wasn’t just a cake. They were all warning signs of something bigger, something that looks spectacular from afar but is dangerous at its core.

As if I was Dorothy staring out at an approaching tornado, I was stunned when the realization settled.

It was so smooth -

“Well yeah, you’re hypomanic right now -”

I don’t recall if she said anything else because my brains alarms all went off at once.  

WARNING!

Then 3 quick thoughts:

“Oh, shit I am. FUCK.”

“Oh heeeelllll yeah bby”

“Ah, shit - they found ya out so soon.”

Then 1 louder thought:

“help.”

I acted on that last thought.

I told this friend what I needed in the moment. I told my doctors, my immediate support network and even the people I planned to see that weekend to let them be aware, and to hold me accountable for my behavior now.

I would not allow these feelings to get out of control