misery loves me

An Explanation: 

I’m misery’s favorite company. It keeps me around and tracks me down when I sneak away. It’s as if all my life I’ve been stuck with the biggest buzzkill at the party. Always feeling left like everyone is having a better, easier, more pleasant time than I am. Followed daily by despair, I trek through the world simply doing my best. I’m haunted by the screams of my insecurities and the ghosts of my past mistakes. 

I do my best to enjoy the party anyway, finding comfort in the moments of joy that manage to sprinkle in. I listen to the music and let it drown out the screams, I dance in the mirror to keep the dread from settling in my body. I keep my mind steady with a drink from time to time, a treat for my brain and belly. I stay grounded through friends, family, entertainment, and mostly writing. Here you will read about the darkness I am followed by, the heavy hand seeming to push me down underwater, and how I fight back, run away and even hide from them. 

I’m choosing to do this blog because writing is my most treasured coping skill. For me, writing takes the loudest voices in my head out and onto paper where I see them staring back at me and suddenly those loud voices are replaced by reasonable whispers carefully written down too, so they stare back at me and I begin to believe them. 

I decided a blog was the best platform for me because I never shut up and I will always have more I want to share. A blog doesn’t need a conclusion like a book, I can leave loose ends for readers to think about, to later hopefully discuss with my readers, definitely ends I will revisit over time and maybe one day topics will conclude. But right now, my mind buzzes with words, my hands love to scribble them in notebooks, on scrap paper, even slightly used napkins if I must. The thoughts I can’t contain are what you’ll read here. Stories of my life that I’m reflecting on as an adult will be here. My continued research into what Bipolar Disorder is and how to cope, treat, just fucking deal with it daily will be here. It will be a digital version of my heart, mind and soul. Just stick an external hard drive in and upload my thoughts directly. 

My background is in theatre so I've always been drawn to dramatics. When I was a kid in theatre camp, we had to pitch ideas for our original play we would write. I got up and bullshitted some nonsense about zombies and one kid saving the town. Naturally, a group of weirdos under 14 chose the zombie play. That was my first major writing work and I was exhilarated. That experience expanded me past the world of drama into the realm of writing. 

Theater, writing, overall creation is what keeps me afloat. You will read pieces of fact and pieces of fiction. Some imagined and yet rooted in my truths. There will be various forms, poetry, passages, plays. Bear with me while I find my voice and hone my craft. Joining me in exploring the depths of feelings and the multitude of ways to carry on through the storm.

This blog will feature trigger warnings- I will do my best to put these on the top and as tags. 

Please know the following may make you uncomfortable, but trust me, I am uncomfortable too.